This is the fourth and final part in our “Anal Sex for Nerds” series.
Okay, now that you’ve picked an appropriate anal toy, have the right lube on hand, and are feeling clean down there – it’s time to practice and warm up for anal sex. If you follow the steps and take your time, even an absolute anal beginner can take surprisingly big objects on their first day! Conversely, do it wrong – and it will still hurt after days and weeks or trying.
Now we’re going to briefly revisit our anatomy lesson from part 1, and learn how to warm up your asshole for the real deal.
A Tale of Two Sphincters
We briefly touched on this in our lesson on enemas, but in order to have comfortable anal sex you need to get past your asshole, which is comprised of an inner and outer sphincter. You can directly control the outer sphincter and tighten or relax it at will. This is how you can have voluntary control over your bowels when you feel the need to go.
The inner sphincter is involuntary, but has a small nerve that relaxes it when pressed on from inside. This is how you know when you need to go to the bathroom. This is also why it feels like you constantly need to take a shit during anal sex.
The trick in taking bigger objects comfortably is in relaxing both sphincters over time. This is why we recommend a toy with a slow taper for anal beginners – so you can work it in bit by bit comfortably.
How to Warm Up for Anal Sex
The hardest part about anal sex is overcoming the involuntary body reactions, primarily from the inner sphincter. The challenge is relaxing it to let an object slide in, and staying relaxed without being afraid that you’re going to shit yourself.
The 4 single most important things to keep in mind as you start practicing are:
- Always stay relaxed
- Go slow; work gradually
- Nothing should ever hurt
- When in doubt, add a more lube
As mentioned in our lube guide, you want to start with about a quarter-sized dallop of lube on two fingers. Work it around the asshole for a good 30 seconds, making sure every last inch is coated. At this point, you want to keep playing around for a little bit, to help the sphincter muscles relax a bit.
When you’re ready, stick a finger inside, making sure to work the lube internally and really coat your anus inside and out. If i’s your very first time, spend a couple of minutes just getting used to the sensation of a single finger before proceeding. If you’re more experienced, you can jump up to 2 or 3 fingers pretty quickly. Just be sure to use more lube as necessary!
The Initial Insertion
One last note: get the angle right. It can be tough to make sure everything is lined up right if you’re playing with yourself. Especially on a partner, you don’t have their bio-feedback to know if the angle is right.
Try to center the toy right on the asshole, and push it straight in – don’t try to angle anything just yet. Focus on getting past the inner sphincter and letting the ass “take” the initial part of the toy.
Once you’ve comfortably fit the tip of the toy in your ass, the goal is to just take your time. Relax around the toy. Get comfortable.
After a minute or so, start moving the toy back and forth to get used to the sensation we described above. If you’re not ready to take a bigger part of the toy yet, just work it back and forth and spin it in circles to get your asshole used to the motion.
As you get used to the sensation, if anything feels uncomfortable, remember:
Getting Used to the Sensation
If you’ve never explored your own ass, then the only sensation you have to equate to is the literal feeling of taking a shit. And the sensation of a toy (or a dick) sliding in and out of your ass… it’s going to take some getting used to.
So your goal is to try and keep the inner sphincter relaxed as this object is sliding in and out of you.
When that happens you want to push with your pelvic floor as if you actually were using the bathroom to keep things nice and relaxed. You just have to trust that you did a good job of cleaning up beforehand.
We’ve literally found that taking the time to clean up and rinse out makes anal sex much more enjoyable. It’s just 100x easier to stay relaxed when you know you aren’t getting feces on your partner.
Taking Bigger and Longer Objects
Ok at this point you’re ready to start sizing up. If you’re using a butt plug, try to gradually take more and more of the toy until you can take the entire bulb in. Then slowly work that back and forth to really relax your sphincters.
Once that’s comfortable you can either size up to a bigger toy, or get ready for a penis (or strap-on). Ideally your warm up toy gradually works up to the same girth of your “main act” toy / penis. For example, if your partner is 1.5″ inches diameter, then you’ll want a tapered butt plug that works up to that girth at the widest part of the bulb.
As far as length goes, you’ll probably feel a natural limit after inserting a toy 4-6 inches. You want to be careful around this, as it means you’re working into the S-shaped sigmoid colon. A longer, flexible dildo or set of anal beads can easily navigate these twists and turns, just be careful sticking firm dildos or wands too far up there.
As always, go slow and listen to your body.
The Anal Sex Checklist
Putting it all together, here’s our full, step-by-step checklist for preparing for anal sex with a toy (or your partner). This all assumes an evening date night / sexy time.
24 hours (the night) before: Take 2-3 tablespoons of psyllium fiber. This will work it’s way through and ensure a nice, cleansing BM in the morning.
12 hours (the morning) before: If you can, skip breakfast. It takes 6-8 hours for a meal to reach the large intestine, so by not eating until after noon, we can ensure that no feces are working their way through the digestive tract during sexy time. At the very least, avoid eating tons of food in the 6-8 hours beforehand.
1 hour before: Use a simple bulb enema or prepackaged saline enema to flush out anything left over. This step is only necessary if you’re extra paranoid about any poop showing up. If you followed the first 2 steps, this is probably overkill. Afterwards, take a shower or do whatever else you normally do to feel sexy.
Begin sexy time: Warm up the asshole externally with a finger or tongue. Apply a liberal amount of lube to a finger, and slowly slide it in. Work the lube around both the internal and external sphincter. Play around here for a few minutes until you’re relaxed.
After 5-10 minutes of warm-up: Lube up your tapered or graduated toy. Make sure the whole surface is somewhat covered in lube, and slowly begin to insert it. Gradually move it back and forth and spin it around until you can take the whole toy.
Once you can fit the whole toy: work it in and out, especially if it’s a butt plug with a bulb. This loosens up the inner sphincter further. Reapply lube as necessary.
After at least 5 minutes: of being able to fit your entire toy in, is it time to size up to a bigger toy or a dick. Repeat the steps above with the new object, and remember to go as slow as necessary and use more lube!
Final Tips to Keep in Mind
Alright, wrapping up there’s a couple of final tips to keep in mind:
- STAY RELAXED! It may feel unnatural at first, but this really is the key to taking bigger objects without any pain.
- Make sure the whole surface of the toy and your asshole is lubed up. Dry patches can grab skin and create hot spots. Hot spots can create hemorrhoids. You do not want this.
- Check the angle of the toy. Make sure it’s centered on your asshole, and pointing more or less straight in. This may sound obvious, but the angle really matters, especially as you get deeper.
- Keep your legs open and hips wide. This helps spread your ass apart, which helps relax the inner sphincter. You can even manually spread your ass cheeks to help out with this, but don’t pull or stretch to the point of pain.
- If you’re having trouble fitting a curved object in, try changing the angle to fit with the contours of the rectum and sigmoid colon
- Keep a towel and/or some baby wipes on hand to clean up any messes. They shouldn’t happen if you did everything right, but if something does come up you’ll want to be prepared – trust us!
As long as you take your time to properly size up gradually, you’d be amazed how big of an object you can fit even in your first couple of tries!
On to Bigger and Better Things
Alright, you’ve successfully survived your first anal encounter (or two or three)! And of course, you’re ready for the big leagues – literally.
Here are some of our favorite collections of advanced and specialized toys in a couple of categories:
Next up is the final part in our Anal Sex for Nerds series: Talking to Your Partner About Anal Sex.