This is part 5, and the final part in our Anal Sex for Nerds intro series. This is sort of a perfect end cap to things, because it’s more of a meta post about the topic of anal sex, than it is about actually doing the deed.
The fact of the matter is: it takes two to tango. Sex is an expression between two (or more) people, and it can often involve a bit of give and take from both partners.
That’s a much of a pun as you want to be.
But sometimes, problems arise when partners have difference expectations or fantasies that aren’t 100% compatible. And as anal sex has moved from ‘shadowy taboo’ to ‘household practice’ over the past several decades, it’s become a common point of friction for couples in the modern dating landscape.
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The Right Way to Talk to Your Partner About Anal Sex
We’ve commonly seen that either partner – giving or receiving – can have objections to the act. Consider some of the following common scenarios:
- Receiving partner is afraid of cleanliness issues or thinks it’s degrading
- Giving partner has a hard time dominating
- Either partner feels pain or discomfort from the act
There are factors at play here besides just being educated and educating your partner. Sex is a complicated, emotional topic that can be difficult for some people or couples to talk about.
We’re going to examine some common scenarios that may arise, and try to understand each one a bit better so you can approach your partner with empathy and understanding. Let’s dive in!
You Have to Actually Talk With Your Partner
The first step, as with any relationship or sex problem, is to COMMUNICATE. If anal play is something you want to do, you need to tell your partner. With verbal words. That they can hear and respond to.
We understand that this may not be the easiest conversation to have for some couples, but it’s an essential first step.
You need to clearly state that this is something you want, and that you’d like to explore it together. And understand that it’s not uncommon for your partner to not be on the same page at first. But if you have a supportive and caring relationship, they should at least be open to supporting your goals and trying it out together.
That said – don’t give up if your partner is not immediately on board! Not all kinks are shared, and it may be something that takes some gradual work or re-framing for your partner to understand.
We’ve found a good practice is to just get in the habit of talking after each sexual encounter, and just do a quick rundown of what worked and what didn’t.
“I really liked it when you did X” or “X was a little much for me, maybe we can do it this way next time?”
This builds up a regular habit of just talking about the logistics of everything, and paves the way to talking about new things you’d like to try… like anal.
So once you broach the subject, what if your partner is less than receptive to the idea? Here’s some common problems we’ve seen with couples (and ourselves), and how you can address them.
Common Objections to Anal Sex
Your Partner Says “It’s not clean. That’s where poop comes from!”
This is a fairly logical concern, and can be responded to with more logic. Explain that 1) generally the rectum is quite clean and poop is stored further up in the large intestine. And 2) If you follow the steps to our anal cleanliness guide, you have nothing to worry about. Fiber and enemas ensure everything will be sparkling clean!
Your partner says “it hurts too much!”
This is a very valid concern, but it can often be fixed with proper warm up and practice (as long as they’re willing). Make sure to get a premium, silky lube to make things as soft as possible. NOT numbing! And then use a tapered beginner toy and take your time.
That said, if it still hurts even after a dedicated warm up, it’s probably best to pack it up and try again another time. And if it still hurts – you’re going to have to address any underlying issues for why your partner is unable to fully relax.
Have your partner take a hot bath or shower and give them a massage. Dim the lights and light some scented candled. And most of all, take your time with a vibrator during foreplay.
At the end of the day, anal sex be something that just doesn’t feel good to them, and you have to be respectful of that. You shouldn’t want your partner to do something that hurts them.
Your partner says “anal sex is unnatural or immoral.”
This is also complicated, because the position is an emotional or ethical one. Your best course of action is to appeal to your partner’s support of you.
Adam Sandler, surprisingly, said it well in his recent heartfelt Netflix special:
Explain that you don’t want to make them do anything they feel is inherently wrong. But that it is really important to you, and that maybe they could meet you halfway and at least give things a shot with some warm up and foreplay.
Do NOT hold your partner emotionally hostage for a sex act. The goal here is to help them try and understand where you’re coming from on their own accord, not to coerce them into doing something they’re uncomfortable doing.
If you respect where they’re coming from in this discussion, they might respect you enough to try the things you want to try in bed.
This one is more complicated, and is particularly a problem with pegging (either the guy is uncomfortable with anal play, or the girl is uncomfortable being dominant). We’ll explore all this in-depth in the next sections.
If You’re a Guy…
Convincing Your Partner to Do Anal
We find it helps to really give your girl an earth-shattering orgasm (or three) before attempting any anal play. She’s doing you a favor, so pre-emptively reward her for it and she’s more likely to enjoy what comes next. For this purpose we recommend using a combination of your dick, fingers, tongue, and a powerful vibrator like a magic wand or suction toy.
Setting the mood is also really important. Women respond to mood and environment for sexual stimulation as much as the act itself. Make sure she feels pretty and comfortable before trying anything new like anal. Light some candles. Burn some incense. Get those hanging ‘fairy’ mood lights. Give her a massage. You get the idea.
Once you’ve begun, be sure to use plenty of lube and go slowly. Use a tapered butt plug to gradually relax her ass and make sure she can take the whole thing easily before even attempting your whole dick.
Convincing Your Partner to Play With Your Ass
As pegging becomes more popular, this problem becomes more and more common. Problem is, your girlfriend may not be comfortable with performing anal sex acts on you. Some girls may just be grossed out by the idea of encountering feces (see our enema guide), but some girls may just have a problem being the pitcher for a change.
To combat this, you can explain that the prostate is the male G-spot, and you’d really like to feel a true orgasm through that avenue.
You can also address the role reversal by simply not being as submissive during pegging. You can have her lie down and you get on top, which is a happy medium between the traditional and new roles.
Lastly, if it’s simply not pleasurable for her, you can try getting a strapless strap-on. This gives her some additional stimulation and feels more connected with the shaft of the dildo, closer to as if it were her own penis.
If You’re a Girl…
Convincing Him to Let You Play With His Ass
Again, this is a common problem as girls want to try pegging but their guy may not be on board. For the comedian trifecta, we’ll go to Ally Wong this time:
Convince him that he’s missing out on true orgasms, and that it would get you off to play with his ass. You can always try to bridge the gap by rimming during oral sex, or massing his perineum or asshole during sex.
Some guys also don’t want to be dominated in bed, as they may feel their role is to be the dominant partner. He may not be comfortable with you fully pegging him with a strap-on dildo, but he might agree to a butt plug in the ass during a blowjob. And once you give him that first prostate orgasm, it shouldn’t be difficult to convince him to let you do more 😉
Convincing Your Guy to Fuck You in the Ass
Maybe surprising to some, but we’ve heard of plenty of women who can’t get their guy to engage in any sort of anal play. This is usually due to cleanliness or morality issues, or the guy is worried he’ll cause to much pain. Also, anal sex can be painful for some guys, particularly if the receiver is unable to relax.
In general the solution is to just ensure things are clean, use a condom if necessary. Anal sex can also be painful for the pitcher, particularly if the catcher is not relaxed or well-lubed up.
Sometimes It’s Just a No
If your partner says they don’t want to do any kind of anal play, no means no. Don’t try to “wrong hole” them during sex, or sneak a finger in there during oral.
If your partner isn’t okay with anal play, you need to respect that. The solutions at that point range from ongoing talks with your partner, to finding a middle ground where you can still masturbate to those fantasies. If your partner can’t respect that – the problem isn’t on your end.
Well, that’s it. If there’s any situations we didn’t cover, let us know in the comments and we’ll weigh in and update the post accordingly!